Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Eating sea lice and a centrepiece for a zombie feast

I have watched several bits of the new Masterchef series.  (For those foreign or non-TV types, it is usually a show that gets non-chefs to cook things in rather silly circumstances*.)  The new series involves actual chefs and it mostly consists of people doing what they usually do at work.

In light of this tele-boredom, the husb. and I thought of some tricksier cooking challenges that could be inflicted upon these cheffy types.  Voila...

Test 1.  Start with a bewildering collection of ingredients (the entire range of food additives in identical jars but all unlabelled**, parsnip seeds, and sea lice, etc) and an array of unusual equipment (an industrial furnace that gets hot enough to melt glass, a centrifuge, and mould-making equipment used by makers of artificial prostheses).

Gee, you look tasty Mr Louse.

Then get Heston Blumenthal (that crazed munchy-imagino artiste) in to compete against the contestants and give them all 8 hours to make a large, edible centrepiece for a zombie feast.  It must be at least 8 foot high and should not explode on contact.

A team of expert judges should be specially assembled, all between the ages of 14 and 18 and who have watched "Shaun of the Dead" at least 11 times***.

Test 2.  Make a vegetarian feast featuring tofu for a group of C-grade rugby league players for their end of season dinner.  (Think big big blokes hoping to eat 1/2 cow and a pig each to go with the odd drink.)

"Eek - vegetables - run away!"

Test 3.  Make a savoury plate using only 5 ingredients including both broccoli and pickled herring for a group of 2 year-olds in child care centre.  It must be served at 4 in the afternoon when the little pips are a sliver away from exhausted hysteria.  The pips then get to vote on which one was the nicest.  If every child refuses to try one of the offerings, that chef is immediately eliminated.

Oh, yeah, that strong, pungent goodness is going to go down a treat with the toddlers.

This last test may have the advantage of wiping out all of the contestants.

* For goodness sake, Dalai Lama, what were you thinking?

** This would include literally hundreds of bottles of identical white powders.

*** Did you know that the US Centre for Disease Control has published a graphic novel on preparedness for a zombie invasion?  These things make me happy.

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